Choosing A Therapist

First steps

One of the most difficult decisions to make after deciding to go to a therapist is deciding on who to trust for this important task.

When I began my journey of personal development, many decades ago, the qualities that I found reassuring were that the therapist was trained and qualified and had a reputation already. I felt most confident when someone I trusted recommended someone to me but this was not always to get. I developed my own criteria for making a choice and what I came up with was that the therapist had actually done their own work in therapy.

I am sure there are very competent therapists who can be supportive and caring but am suspicious of putting my trust in people who have only a learned skill set and want me to put myself into their hands when I have no idea if their lived experience makes them a good fit for me.

A Shared Journey

My training and my experience of working with a variety of therapists over the years involved a lot of group work where I could experience the facilitator as he or she worked with other members of the group. I discovered that the group leaders who had themselves learned their skills in groups and who had done their own therapeutic journey of self discovery were the ones who could walk with me into places they had already explored for themselves. I also, over time, recognised that those who had not dealt with a particular issue for themselves were ill fitted to stay with me on my journey when they had no experience of what I was exploring.

I realised that I didn’t need to have my therapist have the same experiences as me but that they simply had struggled with and explored the same issues as I looking to explore.

I found good therapists who read me accurately in the moment and met me well so that I didn’t have to watch out for myself because they were there walking beside me. They were not walking behind me trying to push me in a direction they thought would be good for me. They were not walking ahead of me trying to pull me along with them because they were somehow more competent at life than I was. The very best of them could challenge me and call me to account when it was appropriate. I could hold a different position to them and that was ok for both of us. I learned to understand that what I was going through and exploring was something they themselves had explored for themselves in their own training. They knew the ropes so to speak.

They may have come to different arrangements in their own life and certainly they had different experiences but they had come to a place in their own lives where they didn’t have to try to make me into some pale reflection of themselves. They recognised the elements of their own lives that they were drawn to attend to and they recognised that their solutions to their own issues were unique. They had had and often still had a therapist they were exploring with and they were continuing to explore life and grow.

Experience & Trust

I was fortunate to have been trained experientially and that my trainers over many decades had struggled with the same issues as I was struggling with. They had no interest in imposing their solutions onto me. I felt safe enough to let them know when they were missing the mark with me. There were times when we got stuck in our work together but I never felt abandoned or pushed or made bad and wrong. Sometimes one or two of them really pissed me off but that was more likely when they had hit a raw nerve of mine and there were times I really didn’t feel at all comfortable in being seen so clearly or challenged, especially in a group context but it was actually reassuring to be challenged.

I was growing and I was learning to trust myself and I was leaning to be more compassionate with myself and I was learning to be open to being challenged if I wasn’t being true to myself.

One thing I was most grateful for on this long journey of discovery was that these therapists and trainers didn’t always have to get things right for me. I was not made bad or wronged by them. I was just different and still we would hang in with each other, or actually they would hang in with me until I was on solid ground again for myself if I had gotten lost or dropped into old avoidant habits.

I remember times when I felt really strong feelings emerge, great sadness and very strong anger at times. The skill of my therapists and trainers invariably led me to greater insights and the resolution of some of the unresolved events of my life.

There was a profound trust that developed between myself and my longer term therapists. They actually taught me through how they related to me to profoundly trust myself and my own journey of healing. The saying I remember from that time was both simple and powerful. “ The healing is in the meeting “ I recognised over time that when I was met well and well held in a therapeutic context I could find my way through to a new place of awareness and ultimately to a new and better relationship with myself.

I remain profoundly grateful to my primary trainers and therapists. They laid the ground for me to train therapists as part of a masters level program with a great team of other therapists learning and growing together over the years. That in itself is another story of great richness and challenge and adventure.

The journey for our students was similar to mine in the early days of my training. The richness of this collaboration has built strong bonds with colleagues and of course my students in their honesty and courage to grow have been a great gift to me on my continuing journey of growth.

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